EDIT: before you read, let me just say, i ENVY girls who go out the door completely comfortably with no makeup on. Every time I want to do that, I find myself freaking out and grabbing my mascara wand and brushing just one layer over my eyes, even though it probably doens't make a gigantic difference...but psychologically, in my head, it makes a world's difference. Also, I am not trying to criticize the modeling industry, just trying to let some women and men understand certain things! Aside from the obvious corrupt bits and pieces of the industry, just like any other industry, I do think it produces great art, revenue, and a creative outlet among many of the other things that are not related to the main topic of this. 

 

Most of the pictures of my face closeup on my xanga and everywhere else excluding my modeling polaroids have not been makeup free- it's either runway/photoshoot makeup or my go to mascara, maybe some red lip if i go out with friends.

I'm huge on the natural beauty thing, but it's hard to take your own advice/word sometimes. I can tell other women/men they look fine the way they are, especially my best girlfriends, but it took me 22 years to be completely comfortable with my naked face. 

I took a shower and let my hair dry, and just took three shots in different lighting without editing/makeup

Here's the thing, my modeling pictures are cool and glamorous and they will sell products. A lot of people say things to me like "you're gorgeous!" etc etc which I really appreciate, but sometimes it makes me feel guilty because my face is covered to look like an image which is deemed attractive, although it shows that they like my work (not just mine! photographer, makeup artist, stylist, hair stylist, retoucher, etc etc) 

So to all the men who look at me when I have my mascara on , or certain clothes etc etc, for all the girls who look at my pictures and go wow! 

here is my face without makeup and unadorned, plain.  

 

 

So here's the naked truth (harhar) Without the makeup, the clothes, the hair done, I'm not so glamorous nor am I the image that is photographed (though that's good because that means I'm doing my job ). I do not look like this:

 

 

 

(first picture for shore life magazine, second picture for seth aaron henderson project 7 winner runway)

 

I'm not criticizing the talent in the industry from the the MUAs, hairstylists, photographers, models, stylists, publishing companies, etc etc, since they do phenomenal work.

I do want to emphasize that I do not look like this all the time. or rather I should say, I do not look like this (two pictures above) naturally. My lips aren't naturally that red, my eyes are not naturally that pronounced, my cheeks are not naturally that highlighted/shiny. That is all in the talented work of MUAs and photographers.

I am trying to break the image that is portrayed already through magazines, half naked and madeup women heralded for what is considered beauty. 

The pictures that you see on victorias secret, guess, whatever other advertisements, are NOT the only definitions of beauty nor should they completely determine your definition of beauty. You do not have to look like the picture tat is shown to you to be beautiful.

I hope that no one takes this as my saying anything bad about makeup artists or people who use makeup. MUA's use their talent in order to create an image, to portray a look and they do it wonderfully- not everyone is able to acquire that type of art well. But I think it's important to differentiate between that( creating a look) and using makeup to cover up your insecurity or attempt to turn your face into what you see in magazines. 

 What's nice about the industry now, though, is that although you see models being drawn on and photoshopped and glammed up in magazines tv and runway, and whatever other media, there is a celebration of their completely natural beauty. there are blogs that will take only picture sof them without an ounce of makeup and forums that praise these men and women for having natural, untouched beauty.

I think i'ts completely fine to look at the cover of vogue or whatever else you dote upon and think to yourself, WOW they looks amazing! Fei Fei sun/coco rocha/etc looks great! she's beautiful! and so on. but don't diminish yourself because you are unique as well in comparison, you're probably just not what the industry wants at the time being. 

Embrace what you have, and don't be fooled by the pervasive media, both men and women. Learn to shine from within and learn to love and appreciate that which is within others over what they show simply on the shell of their body, even models. Don't covet things that will fade as time eats away at the skin, instead work on your brain. Yes we all want to look pretty, including myself, it's natural. But don't forget about the things that will actually help the world, such as your brain and your heart.

As a model, I hope to one day have enough of a voice that will be paid attention to in order to progress the human condition/life. 

 

music time:

one of my favorites 

"The opposite of love's indifference"  
So very true, but I think what makes me run away is anger and hatred. 

"Pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out
And I wont leave until you come downstairs"

it's always good to know that a proclamation of love isn't just through words but through a fight. not altercation, but a fight to grasp love and make it stay.

or maybe i'm just too young as people usually tell me when we discuss this topic...

 

but no matter what you believe, love yourself first before you go and attach your heart to somoene else. because that person will eventually become your identity if you aren't careful. Don't let fear drag you away, but in all circumstances, be careful. But love, and be fearless this valentines day (and all other days. but it's just a good excuse, vday )

 

 

Sometimes I'll peer into the box and melt, looking at memories, smiles printed on glossies, scents captured within dried flowers. how attached we were through celluloid...

Ah...And I sigh, because it breaks my heart in so many domains. I wish I could stuff all those back in and take myself back to a time when I had not yet learned resentment or seen that hidden side of you. 

I have this urge to empty the box out and scrape out my heart til the walls are thinned and carefully mold each picture in, each flower, each card, within the empty cave. 

I can't decide if it's a box of treasures or Pandora's little joke for me. Either these memorandums represent a truth or they taunt me, deceive me into a binding, because for some reason these objects enforce the forged, unbreakable connection. 

But what's done is done, the box may keep growing,  with either fondness of demons masked with love. Hopefully each look will drown out the waning and waxing feeling of distance til the tides of bittersweet, loving sighs swallow up the dark lit moon. 

 

 

Not sure what mood I'd describe this one to be. longing? le sigh?

I think that part of me that writes these proses is slowly peering out into the open

Well anyways I'm feeling grateful.... but...

 summer please come soon

 

recent work for product site, check out mila and fire!

 

I recently was a part in putting this site up:

site

Please follow it, or pass it along I'm so proud of how far she's come. 

 

her flower guarding against the wind 

 

 

and some obligatory music:

 

 pull me down ryna hemsworth rmx  
been trying to figure out the song, what he means, "pull me down" 
Where and with whom do you find that feeling??

lion babe treat me like fire 

a little bit more elli ingram

 

 

deadmau5 bad selection

 

 Hope your valentines day brings some love forward! 

 

 

I always imagined that I would spend most of my afternoons after work alone at a swanky bar or big windowed kinda rustic cafe, alone with my thoughts for a little bit before returning to my own flat, with windows even bigger than the cafe, to put together a portfolio, write, or work on a code. I'd have thoughts churning throuhgout the day and feel life moving forward with great momentum, thinking of how to impact an entire earth's population of human beings. 

Something along the lines of

 

would play as background music.

I see the man with the pipe, the woman with her dog, the couple in love's young temptation, and the old couple intertwined enough to enjoy the purity of love in silence and harmony over cups of coffee, blessed enough to have found such a partner. I see the waiters busy trying to make a living off of rich clientele with tips to leave, tired out eyes, attempting to smile for the customers. When the man with the pipe looks at his watch and slowly makes his way out of the cafe, I know it's time for me to retire as well and chase the sunset, glancing at my pocket watch just to make sure it's precisely the right time. I guess by then I'd be pretty good at reading the sun. 

If I eventually gray, I'd rock the crap out of my silver hair and enjoy myself even more at these cafes. 

During the winters I'd stare out in to the weather, contemplating. Some type of LA air I imagined for an outdoor cafe during the summers, sunshades on, flowy white skirt, silk top, and kitten heels of sorts. 

But why cafes? Why not on top of a mountain, a hike, somewhere infused with nature?

As a good friend put it, it's because I want to feel people while still being separated from their being, an infusion of human nature in my own separate bubble. I admit I'm rather recluse, for many reasons, and being in a public setting where I'm allowed to be by myself, to read, to sip a cup of coffee, to watch people, but also have the chance to talk to someone of my choice, is so inviting. 

I also at times imagined the feeling of love, returning home to a lover, but for the time being it'll be my own place at least for the next few months. 

There'd be bottles of champagne in the cabinet from our travels around the world, candles, and fruits laid out on the table under an windowed ceiling where stars would remind me of how small I am yet how great it is to have the opportunity to see the stars. 

song I can't stop listening to, Elli Ingram's cover. 

eleowen no such thing as time

 

^^^ I WANT TO DO A DUET OF THIS SO BADLY  AAKFS WAHAH!!!

 

thousand years christina perri one of my favorites

 'I have died everyday waiting for you" seems to convey an incredibly sad emotion compared to the res tof the song, but  it's still such a true feeling.
How the heart can seem to disable our entire being...

 

Happy lunar new year to all those celebrating Eat up your nian gao! 

Weekend nights in are and have been my favorites. Just need time to be around familiar people, now drinks, nor loud music, no guards put up or conscious efforts to avoid certain things to say out of fear it may be a faux pas. 

Just a few conversations here and there, reconnecting with friends, being productive and 

wel, taking care of family business. 

i miss some people though. 

 

I went through all of my past posts on this account ( even from when I was swtaznxtc90...also it was really, really painfulyy embarrassing at points haha) and was at first disappointed in the tone I've taken up but then became glad for it. I used to write in a prose, but I know that part of that was because I had more of an issue saying things in a direct manner out of fear of being found out or offending someone.

But I still like the same stuff!

I think most of it, probably 80% of it, is just that I don't really have anything to be prosey about right now. My mind is busy with trying to establish a secure future and to figure out how to travel back and forth between states in order to keep afloat both careers. At this point I won't call them jobs anymore because they are both accelerating much quicker than I expected, but just as fast as I had hoped for. I'm glad for it, regardless of how tired out I am some days both mentally and physically. Also, my heart has changed. I'm more sure of my decisions concerning the heart, and my feelings. They used to be so inexplicably intense because of what was causing them, the anger and hurt that would flood over, but recently they've calmed and have evened out (not really a good thing, but not bad either).

Well, I privated a past entry because it was too revealing (haha maybe it wouldn't be if i wrote it in prose! )

But this video is still something I think should be watched:

(http://www.youtube.com/embed/LEMrKxZLZWQ)

If you read my last entry, you'll know what I had added as a message/caption to this. I like this, I think that there is much truth to this and how many relationships start, but like most of these feel good stories, it focuses on the chase, the easy part. But what about afterwards, how do two flawed and easily angeerd, fragile human beings wade through their own sea of crap that they  can't help but emanate?

I do believe in love at first sight and the idea of the red string. But at the same time, I tihink many have been deluded.

The more important thing I want to address is a blog written by Charles. (click his name). A lot of you may already know him. 

But just take a read, I think he speaks loud enough that I don't have to elaborate anymore on the subject. I so admire his courage to speak on such a subject even when it is maybe at many times considered a faux pas for a man to be so fervent about women's rights, especailly since i'ts in such a respectful manner.

My most recent modeling work. I was so honored to shoot for the cover of Shore Life magazine shot by Angie Myers, Makeup by Elizabeth Johnson Hymas, styling by Marc of M.Randall & Co

I have a few pages inside the magazine in a fashion editorial spread but those will come later!