August 23, 2012

• He turned himself in

   

  A few days ago a person I haven't spoken to in a while due to a sexual offense incident, turned himself in by his own will without any prompting.

  This incident happened a few years ago, but I never brought it up or did anything about it. I didn't really know what to do, and often times, nothing even happens. I convinced myself it'd be punishment enough after I stopped talking to him even after he begged and apologized.

  Before he turned himself in, he called me many times, though I only got the voicemails he left. I listened to all of them, in a bit of horror, satisfaction, and paralysis. I didn't know how to respond, or what to say, or if I should say anything. I'm used to just sweeping everything under the rug, eventually they'll decay as long as I move on, but he himself opened this can of worms.

  The first few voicemails were just "Hey...this is ____, I need to talk to you" then on to "I'm turning myself in. I'm sorry for what I did and I can't live with just self guilt anymore. It's not fair for you."

  No, it's not fair at all. I've noticed that people ahve a tendency to say that their own self guilt, the pain that they've felt through their own guilt, is enough punishment and that they just need to forgive themselves. 

  This behavior, this self centered mentality, is poison. It is repulsive.

  I think what separates being turned in versus only your friends and yourself knowing is not just the fact that more people know, or that judgement will fall upon your head, rather it is the loss of control. YOU will no longer be able to suffocate the feeling of shame and guilt, becuase someone will be standing there reminding you 24/7 that you have done wrong. You no longer have solace, you longer have the ability to run from yourself. By admitting to it on a legal level you will have lost the ocntrol of kepeing your emotions in tact. You'll no longer be able to live your lie. 

  and maybe that's the closest the criminal will ever come to feeling what her/his victim felt- the loss of control. Free will being dragged out from under his/her feet and hung outside of their cage. 

  While I appreciate this boy turning himself in and while I am glad that after all these years he has not simply forgotten this and at least has a conscience that isn't so self centered/selfish, I've become more resistant to shielding perpetrators. I used to tell myself that I don't want to cause too much trouble, etc etc, most ofy ou probaly know the excuses very well. But it extends beyond me, it extends beyond you- it affects every body. 

  By letting them off the hook, by not taking action, they're let loose to repeat this with others, we set examples by letting this behavior pass, and we make it ok for the perpetrator to feel as if he has paid full and well just by feeling guilt. We make it ok for them to think that self forgiveness is all it takes,and we make it ok for them to think that if they have moved on, then it is ok. I have had boys tell me that they are suffering on the inside, too, and they know how I feel, and are sorry. I've decided to take action against it, not all legal action. 

  I know that people like to live by the phrase, "no regrets." But some things require regret, some actions should come along with a long lived guilt that is capable of eating away at the soul. 

  It's been a weird few days, this one incident being the cherry on top of all the other events that have occurred in such a short period of time. 

  My last obstacle to freedom, mental and emotional freedom, is to admit to my parents my academic path and my choice of study. I feel so much like this boy mentioned in this post, having lied to them for a year and keeping such a gigantic lie inside. 

   

  ****

  And a note to parents, if there are even any parents who have children old enough to comprehend sexual abuse.

  STOP BLAMING YOUR OWN CHILDREN. This has happened to my sister, to my firends, friends of friends. The victim is constantly being blamed. She/He is either too stupid, dressed to pretty/well, didn't get in the car fast enough ,should not have gone out with his/her friends, is worthless, etc etc. My parents of course have no idea about anything that has happened to me or else it would be very ugly for me.

  In some cultures it is automatically the woman's fault, and in some cultures men aren't allowed to admit that they were raped or else it becomes a major social faux pas. 

  How in the hell do you expect your children to grow or get over this after your complete lack of support, or rather, the exact opposite of support? 

  Take this in to consideration in all other aspects of your child's growth and development. 

   
  ****

  Also, if this is you, if you have committed something like this, or whatever else, I'm not telling you to turn yourself in. Just don't think that your own self forgiveness makes everything ok. And just becuase you feel guilty does NOT mean you have any idea what your victim is feeling. How could you?

  and how dare you?

   

  • 1:03 am
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