Instead of going out for Halloween Saturday, I have decided to hole up inside because 1, it's freezing, and 2, I'm exhausted. I woke up at 7:15 this morning and slept at 4:30 because the girls in my hall decided it'd be awesome to bang on each door and then run around and scream. They were looking for some girl named Jessie then a guy named Alex then a girl named Jessica for about 5 hours, from 2 AM until  I had to get ready. It was frustrating -.- 

I was going to dress up as hitman/woman today, since I have a red tie and gloves and black and all that. Buttt instead after my morning I just walked ate and came back here. (EDIT: IVE DECIDED ON TOMB RAIDER FOR MONDAY NIGHT )

So! In the spirit of Halloween, orange + black

FOR MOREPICTURES and DESCRIPTIONS: Blogspot , lookbook!

 

 

 

So, first snow for this coast/area of the season! Fall seemed short. Hopefully those who lost power can find a way to stay warm tonight

Have  afun halloween  

 

Remember when you used to dab hydrogen peroxide on wounds, and the flesh would bubble white? It frothed a bit, cringing in pain from the stinging of the liquid. 

For some reason, in my dream Thursday night, I poisoned myself and my flesh did that, it crawled around itself and was eaten away by the froth. The pet glassey eyed dog and oil black crow around me had come in contact with some bottle labeled "Amatoxin Thiophenol", quite a menacing mix though I dont know if it scientifically makes sense, nor do I know how I remember those names in my dreams. Somehow this poison slipped into their food and slowly, slowly I watched them whine in anguish... but it was still silent, silent like the worms writhing to death.

The house was incredibly musty, extremely dilapidated. Cracks embodied screeches as the injury of some tormented soul scraped its way along the walls. I could hear them every time I looked at a crevice. The air was filled with dank gloom punctuated by the shrieks surrounding the walls.

And for some reason, the dog and crow were together in one room stuffed into a corner, slowly eating the poisoned food.

For some reason I felt helpless, as if there was no possible way for me to tear them away. I was bound by some contract or curse not to. And with every bite they took, I felt a rock attach itself to the bottom of my heart.

I had visited the doctor, a hospital filled with stares, eyes following your every movement, burrowing their gloom into your soul. I had been told that I had swallowed some of the poison, and in shock knew there was nothing to do. How can you reverse the effects of such corrosive matter, one that eats away whatever it contacts, one whos sole purpose is to destroy, to eat away? To digest and leave in a pile of incomplete flesh.

I had gone home and waited death to seize me, thoughts flashing within my mind. I recalled a short episodic memory of myself accidentally pouring poison into my cup and drinking it afterward, forgetting momentarily that it was in it. I ahd thought that I'd take the chance, perhaps play with death's power.

But now, I was left to decay in the same room as the animals who were still slowly, painfully, chewing the acid food. No...not decay, my body would be bubbling, frothing, flesh shrieking. I heard this shriek within the animals, as the acid slowly ate up their organs and it echoed... it echoed and reverberated, resounded and announced    ...

I watched them, I couldn't move. I couldn't touch them, I wanted to save something, if I couldn't save myself. I could remember every moment of my life, the most important and feel them slip away.  I now wonder why I hadn't gone and chased down those people. Perhaps the feeling of shock had not yet relieved my body -

I watched them slowly die, realizing that that is exactly what will happen to me. As they whithered, and singed within the heat of the acid, I felt the reaction within my build up and accelerate, a furnace working itself up and I wanted to scream but I couldn't. All I could do was hold on to the chair's arms and wait. I said some prayer, still some shred of hope left that it would turn out alright. 

Funny, isn't it, how when the most tumultuous times inflict our lives we beg for the mercy and hope that it all just

 

stops.

 

But it didn't, as the animals vanished into a glob of pink flesh and white froth, I saw what was inside, my throat slowly disintegrate into a bleeding hole as the white frothing army made its way into my lungs, suffocating my first and then eating away at the vitality of my life, my organs.and turning it into some evaporated substance. Each breath that escaped myself was my life leaving.

I heard it crackle and pop as the reaction occurred, the acid cooking the tissues of my internal being. 

 

Only my brainwas left untouched, and I was forced to sit there and observe, observe death creep on me.

I was then left a sack of skin, fallen on the floor, dejected.

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SO INCREDIBLY BIZARRE.  

I have no idea why these dreams have been so superfluously vivid and often, I feel completely fine inside. Yes, I can be stressed momentarily from all the essays I have to write, grad school apps, etc but what person isn't? It's not like I even think of impending doom. I do think about how people react at funerals, whom they're crying for...but that's not even related

I dont know why the grim reeper feels so close to me when I sleep, I wake up every morning and after every nap literally one minute before the alarm goes off, with my heart jolting and breath withheld, attempting to open the gates of life to allow some air in and out

 

but I can't, and for some minutes I sit in shock.

 

How incredibly vivid all the dreams have been, the gore, the silenced screams, the acceptance of a fated murder, or rather suicide

 

I really have been completely fine, I've been my usual self, perhaps just busier than the summer and whatnot, but I've been  much busier than this. Stress never really affects me too much, unless I want it to. 

 But these dreams of silenced deaths, of watching and flirting with death and becoming consumed by it, I really wish I knew what it was...

Because some days i wake up feeling so frightened for a few seconds, then regain my faith and shake myself out of the silliness.

I used to be a little bit scared of but intrigued by sleep.  I wouldn't know what would happen, or if I could take it... would my heart beat too quickly for it to live on? I used to wonder if I'll actually die in real life, since I've experienced pains from injuries in dreams. Sometimes, I blurred reality with my dreams, confused which one was real and which one happened within a dream. It's as if the life of my dreams tugs at reality, and reality resigns part of itself to the dream's existence.

  Well, it's more like flirting with the idea, entertaining it. I dont believe it's real, but sometimes, when I lack sleep, it seems to all blur together for a second then I snap out of it.

 

UGHHHH SUCH AN EMO POSTTTT but I need to write it down. I'vedecided Im going to start tracking these dreams, since they happen just about every day.

  

But, I'm honestly happy with my life !! I'm confused about my future, etc etc worried whatever, doubts, but everyone feels that. I've felt it my whole life as I'm sure eveyrone has, but what has manifested itself into my dreams, my slumber, as the control of death ?

 

 (just wanted to write it down. IM NOT CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE OR ANYHTING JUST FYI! i would never do that, I just needed to write this down! and perhaps extract ideas but seriously i'm fine when I'm awake!

 

I'll be going back to writing the usual entries as soon as I get more pics

But I want to reiterate, I'm fine, I'm not going to off myslef, I'm not depressed at all. I DO find this intriguing ...incredibly intruiging. )

Wanna get this out while it's still so fresh in my mind. This is quite the starkly dismal contrast to my last post about my photoshoot , but I felt a welling up of feelings so quickly that I had to purge it. Probably need to further analyze why such an insignificant plot could cause my heart to palpitate and want to explode.

I woke up just now with my heart about to spill out of my mouth, and nail marks and scratches all over my forearm, some so bad that the skin can be seen peeling. It's like when you fall asleep on a spiral notebook and the notebook leaves a mark on your face, though this time it's like falling asleep on blunter, smaller, knives.

At least I didn't suffocate, too many dreams seem to shake me awake by inflicting the pain on my body that I feel in my dreams. A sharp punch in the abdomen, a shot to the head, singing of flesh, etc
 
I remember when my grandfather passed away my mind numbed itself at the news. It wasn't that I didn't care, or was trying to pretend he wasn't dead. My family had known for much too long to pretend anything that silly, there was no hint of forming my own reality by tricking myself. I stayed silent on the phone, and attempted t imagine him dead on the hospital bed, the life being squeezed out of him by the jaws of death, the suffocating hospital air, the fear of leaving all this behind, and a multitude of thoughts of what if's, though I knew that his 103 years of life were well-lived and loved. The sorrow I felt was split between his suffering last days and the fact that my father and grandmother made it there a few seconds after his last breath passed through the gateway of life.

But I couldn't get too far in imagining.  

Not even the viewing was enough to make me sink in to the moment of his death, or make my heart scream so loudly, not like it did several minutes ago, or shock me. I'd say I'm pretty sensitive to these things, I mean just READING about death and suffering makes my mouth droop and eyes down turned and heart ache as much as it can through vicariously feeling pain. But no, not even the sight of his so well preserved dead body was did anything too much. 

Perhaps it's because I didn't ahve to SEE him die, and even if I did, he would have died "peacefully," or as peacefully as an immobile old man can.

and as silly as it sounds, my tormentor in my dreams seems to be worms. I've never been so scared of them, hell I did ALL my elementary school science projects with worms, cutting up worms, attempting to record them regenerate, modeling my future stem cell research projects on them. 

I think it's th efact that the way they die is so painful to watch. They're so pathetically delicate. If you wanted to, you could take the power of ending their lives in your hands. But really, you wouldn't have to purposely do it. It is so easy for them to die by a mere footstep. 

And then, they become dismembered, they shrivel up, they writhe, they wind up with entrails scattered around, and after some twisting and agony their lives are gone. it's so easy to separate their lives from their flesh.

After a while the entire floor was scattered with worms and insects without their exoskeletons. In my dream the crickets were jaundice yellow, their internal organs visible to all. So easy to kill, as if no protection has been offered to them except for chance and luck, hoping that no one's foot pops their compressed bodies, no bird comes and in one fell swoop  deliver the already emaciated bodies away from their breaths. 

I had become so paranoid and psychotic that every time I screamed I'd claw at my forearm, in my dream tearing flesh and ligaments- yea, I clawed that deeply. I dont know how realistic it is to have blood spurt everywhere from a clawing, or if it rather just spills out, like a fountain or drain.  Probably a drain, since more than blood is leaving  

It all sounds silly, the plot, like a bad horror movie where the girl is left alone and then all these stupid creepy crawlies come after her. But I felt digested, felt the ease of death right next to me, felt death underneath my feet. Maybe it's the power of being able to kill them then see entrails and the aftermath of it scattered around.

 

No.

 

It's the obscurity of death without sound. You can't even hear them scream.

I woke up with my head burning from the insane heat in my room, ready to escape to Starbucks and begin this process of catharsis by words. 

Though we all know, words can only convey so much.

 So I'm now in a coffee shop churning out essay after essay on death, betrayal, gore. How very fitting 

 

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Enough of that, here's some music that I've been loopin

 

jazzy, electronic, smooth sounds

Cruel Youth- Pepe Deluxe 

 

Bitter Sweet- Trouble

Little Peple- Start SHootin

Amplive- 1940 submarines remix

 

OBSESSEDDD with it.

 

 

 

 

I had the chance to model for up and coming designers Lorraine and Sarah Oye (Ello and Omolola) for their line Oye Glam  with other gorgeous models and the talented (and incredibly pretty) photographer Konjo Kalonji. This was an incredible team- everyone was alive and energetic and inspiring.  

The designers themselves, two cousins who met unexpectedly, are two of the most adorable cousins I've ever met. The energy and kinship they share with each is itself inspiring. 

The Oye cousins' vision is to create a line inspired by African art and life for wome nand men of all ethnicity to rock 

(for more pictures and such, click hurrr -> blogspot/tumblr

Preview pics:

(all except the last were taken by an iphone I believe!)

 

 

Lorraine fixing the jewelry!

 

Konjo =]

 

And two unedited photos from Konjo =]

 

 

  

Before my rendevouz/linner, I had about 20 minutes to spare, so I parked my car in the garage facing the highway and propped myself up on the hood of my car.

At first I counted the colors of the cars driving by, noticing that silver seemed to be the most popular. I then did the usual and wondered where everyone is going, why that one honda is cutting everyone off, and what each person is thinking while driving. Are they feeling anxious? Anticipation? Reluctance? Excitement?

But these cars, heading away in one direction, did not seem so rushed in the other. As I turned to watch them approach, they seemed to crawl toward the center of my focus. From far away, the cars were ants scrambling against time's big foot.

Much like people, they slowly ease their way in after a cautious approach but when the time comes to leave, in a blink of an eye they can become just a memory...and all you want is to consider its color one last time.

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Outfit: 

FALLLL FINALLY!!!! Time for knee high socks, awesome jackets, lace ups, layers, etc etc omgsh so excited. for some days, I've been pulling out my knee high socks (Black, lace, maroon, etc ) and pairing them over tights. How do you keep the knee highs up? you ask. Garters!

What was the rendevouz? To eat and ..."study". I tried, I really wanted to read while there was time. Didn't work, I read one page and was like AIGHT done.  

oneof my favorite pizzas, margherita! I got one with @hello_bianca in NYC but that was ...not what I expected. =     

 

WHAT IM WEARING:

H&M Shoes
Jacket from reddz consigment
Mustard knit scarf
Sheer red cardigan
Cream tank
TIghts from somewhere on ebay (forget, it was from 4 years ago! but was super cheapp) 

 

 

  

Sheerness and knee highs

 

Tumblr

lookbook

blogspot

 

 

I've only had alcoholic beverages a few times, and I've never been too affected by it. I do get red though. Like, super flushed... but not after just a sip of a beverage.

 

THISTIME, at Olive Garden, after a sip of pinot grigio, I became red.

  

 

AAYYY   da fonz yaaaa 

Point of this? I will be refraining from drinking wine in public so I don't turn into a tomato.

I remember the last time I went to NYC, I had some shot of something and @timmmmmmy went "* CLAP CLAP* YEA!"  

-___________-

Btw the silver things are andes chocolates! I remember those from when I was much younger, haven't seen those in a while.

got so many hehe

But after I got into the car I wondered why I even care. And then I started thinking about vanity, about self consciusness, being too obsessed with how we appear etc. 

 Anyways, my friend Roland AKA Boiled Egg showed me this song today on the way to lunch and I have had it on repeat. 

The beginning is cool but I keepskipping to around 3:35 onwards, sounds so good in the car where there's actually bass!

 

 

Friday night this week will be spent in my room, my friend books Wide Sargasso Sea and Romeo and Juliet will be accompanying me.

One thing I've realized from rereading all these Shakespeare plays is that I can actually get incredibly angry inside from texts. I always knew I could be frustrated, and disgusted to the point where I feel like chucking the book, but I never thought i'd be so inflicted by the characters.  

Take for example King Lear 

I felt as if I were going to explode, that my heart was going to pop from being so angry... from a fictional portrayal.  

Does that image not invoke some sort of pity, empathy, hurt? I didn't imagine him on the floor too often, but  I guess this is when he's stuck in the thunderstorm/gale winds and none of his daughters will let him back into his OWN castle, even though the castles were his to begin with.

What happens is (IF YOUWANT TO READ IT AND NOT KNOW, DONT READ WHATS IN BOLD)

He divides up his kingdom into three, one of them he gets mad at because he's old and wants love from his daughters but the daughter doesn't flatter him like the two older ones do. She's the only who actually loves him, evidenced by the last two acts. So, she goes off to France because she's temporarily banished. The two older ones, Goneril and Regen, want power so they attempt to make Lear feel inadequate and useless because of his age. They begin my stripping him of his possessins, cutting down the number of knights he may have, from 100 to zero. They willremind him over and over t be more humble to them because of his old age.

He, of course, goes into a fit and leaves the castle. Though it is pouring and thundering, the sisters will not let anyone out to ask him to come back. 

I have never wanted t punch someone, especially a character, so badly. I didn't summarize it well enough to convey the feeling that I had welling up inside me. I forced myself to let my eyes scan the words on the page, dragging themselves across the letters that mapped out goneril and regen's awfulness. 

Not to mention Gloucestor's eye gouging when he literally has his eyes torn out of his sockets as revenge for siding with Lear, and not Goneril's husband. I so enjoy Shakespeare, but this is one thing I've always had an issue with. Edmund, Glo's son, allows this to happen. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!

He is his father. Just...why... Though it's not completely foreign that these things may happen. Perhaps not eye gouging now adays, but some for of betrayal. 

I'm glad to be reading Merchant of Venice next. Haven't read it in a while, don't remember what it's about anymore except that i'st considered a comedy I believe. 

Have a good weekend

 

work now...play later.

 

to all you people reading this at this time... *high freakin five*. 

 

I expect most of you to be gone/asleep.

Why Hello...

 

one of my very useful talents! 

 

While reading my many pages and writing my many essays I browsed my itunes collection and stumbled upon many songs that I've forgotten to listen to but used to repeat over and over.

Radio Citizen, Bonobo, Mt. Eden

 

Radio Citizen- the hop. so chill, been repeating this for a few weeks  

  

Mt Eden Dub- gambler.. My gosh htis song was AMAZING in my friend's car. he installed subwoofers and it just shook the thing while we all sat there and ate in the car. Good nights during that past summer haha

bonobo-recurring

Bonobo - Kiara (orchetsral part ends around 1:15)

  

 

 

Listening to songs I played some time back doesn't bring back specific memories of people, places, or things... it brings back a memory of the mentality I had back then.  I don't know if my past relationships have caused me to miss a person enough to associate a song with him/her. Of course, some songs will remind me of a person and vice versa but it's not a memory that brings along a sigh of nostalgia or bittersweet thoughts.

I'll remember the kid on the playground that argued with me about linkin park vs good charlotte, or the guy who got me an eminem CD, though none of those people evoke any emotion other than "haha I remmeber that" in my heart.

Well, not yet anyway.

But then again...  a memory like that would result in a what if, one of the most plaguing and burning thoughts to exist.  

What if's haunt you and bring back the past, almost as a phantom of the once tangible. It's a poison that takes away your realization of the present, removing your conscious mind of the current and displacing it in to the back then, enveloping you within a torturous anachronism. 

So what of songs in the present, songs of the current ... 

 I guess we make them stay current, taking away those what if's.   

  

( I had a poem on here that I was explicating but I figured out a meaning that I thought was correct so I tok it down) 

 

Dissonances we endure often settle in our hearts as the most bittersweet moments, announcing themselves as the black keys played when our hearts are strummed- so crass yet so clear.   

I took the GRE's this morning with an anticipated 8 hours of sleep that slowly dwindled into a mere 3 hours. I slept at 3:30 and woke up at six:30 (the numerical key wont work for six! My keyboard is not cooperating). The test was alright, but what I remember most distinctly was my first disappointment at my scores (since it's now computerized they give you a range of scores based on your already graded answers) but that slowly faded as I realized they weren't so bad and I might possibly just be a bit crazy to think that it was possible to get an 800 in every subject (not that it's improbable...). (THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT! those of you who knew I was taking the test!)

After perusing Bethesda, I came back and before I passed out I blasted The Black Keys. I'm so addicted to their sound! It  was a good way to sink in to my passed ot cold nap before my two hour orchestra rehearsal. 

You all probably already know of Howlin For you, I was obsessed with that song for soooo long so I"ll post others haha. Listening to these made me remember how happy I was hearing the soundtrack to Pirates Radio, I was so elated ( Ireally really was) when I heard the first song.   

Everlasting Light (Probably my favorite)

Tighten UP

 

Work Me

The Flame

   

 

In other news fall has officially infiltrated our vicinity. Attack of the red hued leaves! Not that I mind =]

Zee pumpkinland

 

 

Also, meet Bing Bing, the best USB i've ever had

it just sits on my desk and smiles at me 

 

 

Now back to the work that has accumulated itself into this stack of leaves which seem to shout silent imprecations at me. 

RAWRRRR AGHIJAKSCXZ

 

Hope your October has been well thus far =]

 

 

 

My favorite watch right now ( not including pocket watches!) 

wrap watch! And yes, I can tell what time it is without the marks  
First picture is right hand, bottom is left.

 I have not yet decided on a name change yet!Been busy with everythingg.

Speaking of time... 

In one of my classes we are currently about to pick up Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus (hopefully in this class I will pay more attention than I did in my other class, we read titus as the first play in that class and I could not pay attention at all, couldn't get my mind to settle down for the first class of the day ha). 

(This play was/is known mostly for its incredible gore and the hastened pace at which violence occurs)

(Lavinia, from Julie Taymor's production after her defilement [complete understatement]. Chilling picture, isn't it...) 

 

Reading the play for the second time (REALLY reading it, not skimming it for long quotes that I might get tested on) pulls the allusions and comparisons to the characters in Ovid (Philomela to Lavinia) to the forefront of the issues concerning the character's downfalls and just overall misplaced, faux pas actions and speeches.

Many times, Lavinia is compared to Ovid's Philomela, which is very obviously the primary source of Shakespeare's influence to sketch Lavinia's destiny. Other classics alluded and referenced are Thyestes (Seneca), Ajax (trojan war) and others. However helpful these allusions are to our understanding of the characters in the present time of the play, the constant allusions used to describe and compare show that the characters are possibly stuck in a Rome that no longer exists. They bring up the classics, the epitome of intellectualism from the old texts from artists and philosophers who have long been gone.

What is this obsession with the past? It seems so easy to dwell in it and forever be trapped in "remember when...". However sweet this reminiscent activity may be, it proves dangerous in that we may be caught up in prescribing previous notions unto whatever activity, person, assignment, we may be met with in the future or present. 

And in the same way, you and I will be forever marred with out past actions.

ANYWAY.... back to reading arthurian legend Romances. Sir Lancelot is quite a womanizer. 

  

 (RIP Steve Jobs )

One of the things I do enjoy about living in the dorms is the fact that I can use my diner points to buy 5 dollar lobster on a certain Wednesday each year (and it's convenient, blah blah). 

So Speaking of lobsters and claws and ...creatures, I decided to stack up on my bracelets today.

It was a beautiful day, so I thought why not wear for probably the last time this year something spring-esque, and to top it off add on some things that would clash with the simplicity of the clothing.

 

 

 

Click

 

TUMBLR   or

 

BLOGSPOT 

LOVELYISH

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USERNAME CHANGE:

last post 

Vicchic

yellowmodelchic 

Edited as suggestions come (that I would consider/when I have time haha )

ToriSecret

VICtorious

YellowModelVic

Chic A Fell

SlickyVicky (lol)

ChicCandlestick

Chictoria

VICtoryPose

WhollyChic 

VicTheChick

ShakenNotStirred

Molotov Cocktail

HerChicness

ChicVicious

gingerchardonnayle

VICTORIninja

vvictoriy 

There are som haha's in here

Also some pople said I should just keep it the way it is 

  I was actually thinking about some other names, perhaps I'll post them up later.

something along the lines of songsoftheheart...or chansonsducoeur if i wanna be super duper frenchy cool

 And also, thank you so much to all of you who responded/commented/messaged!!