Just got back from Cali for a cousin's wedding, so I will update about that later.

 

In recent news, modeling:

shot by o ray photography; hair by antoinette williams; styling by sankara; makeup by deyanira montgomery

pre hairstyling: 

 

then BAM: 

 

  

https://www.facebook.com/victoriamisu

 

also, my friends and i decided to do this...

idea was originally conceived by Tim wang and piankhi, but they decided to make it in to this video

and have been incredibly busy due to sickness + trip to cali and everything else.

 

my next topic: mutterseelenallein 

 

 

 

So this lightbulb 

 

Produced this

I took pictures of one of the other lightbulbs that I happily bought from restoration hardware's outlet store. The filament design is captivating 

  

 

Bamboo flute entry coming up as requested by some (who know that I even have a bamboo flute)

Modeling update, september is going to be one hell of a month/insanely busy. 

most recent thing: 
FNO 

photography benjamin tankersley 

styling by margaret johnson and prudence

darrell dean antiques

hair jean jekal

makeup hugo salon

go here CLICK  for other pictures

 

also i feel as if i've stepped through an invisible thornbush with tiny spikes because thisentire day i've felt like tiny things have been sticking at my skin everywhere, inlcuding my ears. It happened randomly when i started walking to my 2nd class of the day.

If anyone has any insight to this (aside from the ones who have experienced this while on drugs, a friend thought that was what I was alluding to. No.) please let me know i'd like to see if anyone has opinions on what makes the skin itch/feel like it's being pricked by invisible things a fraction of the size of a needlepin

Ok! HW time 

    
   

 

 

 

 

Or, you should eat more and become a REAL woman/man... to be beautiful, that is.

 

I know the popular argument is that the runway and fashion magazines glamorize thinness, and that there have been many many horror stories about models having to eat cotton balls or to throw up and girls suffering from eating disorders because they look through magazines and think that they are not skinny enough to be paid to be put in a magazine. 

But what about the rest of society, the ones who claim that they are not bothered by what society/media portrays, the ones who claim that they don't believe in that "stuff?" The ones who advocate for more weight gain, for "real women? Are they not doing the same harm?

There are quite a handful of models who are naturally as skinny as they are. A lot of my friends who are models have  a healthy diet, do not make themselves throw up, exercise here and there or just walk a lot. Yet, they and myself are constantly being told "Wow you need to eat," "Do you eat?" "Are you anorexic?" "Do you starve yourself?" "you must eat like a bird" or, the ultimate opinion, "You'd be beautiful and pretty if you had some more fat."

Lets reverse this.

"Why do you eat so much?" "Are you aware that you have more BMI than most of the people around you?" "Do you eat too much ice cream?" "You must eat like a dinosaur" "You'd be beautiful if you lost some weight"

When these comments are thrown out, they are almost always based on first impression. A person sees a man/woman who has more bones showing and less fat present and assumes those things. A person with a gigantic muffin top walks by and people stare, and think those things. 

Just because the media glamorizes skinny women does not mean that it is then ok to insult them. Even if you claim it's not your intention, it doesn't mean you're not wrong. Whateve ryour reason is, just becuase someone doesn't appeal to you sexually or you can't see yourself thinking he/she is beautiful doesn't mean that you are right. It doesn't mean that you should then project your opinion on them and give them commands to do what they should to appeal to your senses. 

You like fatter women? go find fatter women. you like skinnier men? Go find skinner men. 

 

Just keep in mind that even women and men who a skinny can be hurt. As I'm speaking I have a friend going through therapy for disliking her body image and binge eating. For those of you telling me I'm too skinny, you'd have a field day looking at her. She has been told over and over by people she meets for the first time that she should eat, or that she is way too skinny even though she eats even more than  I do (maybe haha). Male friends who suffer from this, being picked on for not having enough muscle mass, for being scrawny, go through similar issues and rescind in to a shell. 

And so what if she/he doesn't eat, or eats too much? Are you so narcissistic that you need to tell someone who doesn't have your body fat or appeal to your idea of what is an attractive amount of body fat or bone structure that they need to change? Are you so skin deep that someone who doesn't have the physical attributes to whet your appetite or perception of beauty should deserve your slander or insult? Are you so deluded in to thinking that it is rude and unacceptable to tell a fat person he/she needs to lose weight, but ok to tell a skinny person he/she should gain weight/start eating more?

It's fine if you have your own type/preference, but it's not fine for you to go around and tlel people that they need to change their body image so that they can appeal to your perception of beauty. Don't keep blaming it on media or fashion. If you are aware that models in fashion are under pressure to preserve a certain body image, and they go through an unhealthy process to obtain it, then be encouraging. Those women and men are real people too. 

I had a person that I know tell me that I need to gain some weight. This to me makes very little sense because his assumption was that I CAN gain so much weight, and that i DON'T eat. I think this shows a lot more about the commentator than about the reality of my life. Another had posted "Ew...eat some fat." I am perfectly fine with my body type and stay relatively healthy.

I read the comments, looked at the person's pictures, and just *sighed* from sympathy and pity until I remembered some friends reading this and then going through a series of periods of depression from thinking they were less attractive and ugly, then I became angered by the hypocrisy and the assumptions and comments. 

So this is for all people who are constantly told they are too skinny, too fat, would be beautiful if *something about adjusting their weight*, just stay healthy. The ones who are telling you these things don't have to think you're beautiful, because someone else will. Just stay healthy. 

To those who feel the need to let people know that they dont find them attractive and that they should change their weight/body, change your own mind and heart and talk to these people if you feel they are unhealthy, but make sure you have your facts striaght first. Not every skinny person is unhealthy. Just because you see models who are suffering from eating disorders walking the runway doesn't mean all other models or people go through that. Not all fat people are unhealthy. Just becuase supersize me showed how terrible mcdonalds is doesn't mean every fat person is going through that. 

But maybe they are unhealthy. Change your comment and mouth to say words that encourage these people. Because what you're really doing is showing how ugly you are on the inside, regardless of whether your intention is to do so or not. 

Quit the comment about "real" women and "real" men. Just because your profession does not require you to change your body image doens't make you any more real. You could very well be destryoing your own health by being constantly stressed and not sleeping, drinking coffee, whatever. You and I and everyone else are real people. 

 

 

 

Another Friday night spent well. Wine, ramen, with friend,  starbucks talk, and catching up with old friends that lead to this. 

 

I'm in a real-life experiment being in a new environment, even if it is in the same area. I used to always live in the same concentration on campus but this year I got assigned to the complete other side of campus. It's a suite instead of a dorm, which is new to me as well. I also dislike how the bathroom is only a single bathroom shared between all the girls, and the toilet/shower are in the same room. I dislike that some girls blow their hair in the bathroom and put on deodorant/makeup in there when they ahve mirrors in their own rooms. 

But anyways, not even the biggest problems unless I really really really need the bathroom haha. Plus they're all incredibly nice girls, I've gotten along with all of them fortunately. I love that it's such a diverse group. We have a girl who is korean but from Japan and is an exchange student! And I won't reveal too much else haha.

I decided to bring in some favorite things from home, such as glass bottles filled with rice for incense.

i can't burn them though =

 

Bulb from restoration hardware. I was waiting to buy this for quite a long, long long time from their website but didn't want to pay the price. My mother dragged me to the outlet one day and lo and behold Restoration Hardware loomed over me. I grabbed about 8 of their lightbulbs, which, as you can see, have the coolest filament design and bulb design. This bulb isn't too non standard, but the other ones I have are incredible. 

I think I"ll try to do a post that focuses just on the bulbs...

Bettar Cheddars and my bamboo flute on the top. textbooks only half up haha... a lot of them are sitting on my floor! In a neat stack of course. 

My father got me this number puzzle when I was a child and I've had it for the longest time. 

 

cream soad bottle and glass vases.

I was going to say that I'm going to meet a lot of new people, but honestly I need to spend my time at work, getting in to grad school, modeling, and selling things on ebay for my school tuition.

I sort of feel guilty for not having the intention of going out and joining organizations, but not really. My parents mean more to me and I need to pay tuition instead of piling it on them. 

 

https://www.facebook.com/victoriamisu 

http://victoriachangport.tumblr.com/

please "like!" It's my modeling portfolio =]

 https://www.facebook.com/KonjoKalonjiPhotography/

 

 

 

 

 

 

You'd think that growing up in such poverty and violence a kid would grow up to be asking for the world to hand him sympathy and owing him something. But this guy didn't, this guy had enough innate strength in him not just to help his family through it and love everyone he met but had courage enough to not even ask people to understand his background. 

You know those people who can only understand you if they believe they've gone through worse, or start talking only about themselves and tell you that you can't even imagine their situation? He was the complete opposite. Is, actually. It made me feel so at ease around him that I could cry when I needed without thinking he'd see me as a weak person, I could tell him all my fears uncensored.

People sometimes in various interviews will ask me whom I look up to, or who my icon is. I can only assume they mean to choose a human. I think that this man is the only person who has come close to being anything near an icon or a person I look up to. It's more of an admiration for his courage. And not to mention he's only a year older than I am. I could never refer to him as just a boy. And here's why:

It's because I knew he cared, he cared about me over himself. He always cared about others before him, but knew whom to care about the most. 

People go out seeking courage, they pinpoint firemen, rescuers, soldiers as being the most courageous. I'm not going to say they're not, because then I'd be lying. Those men do indeed go in to danger, risking themselves, their existence, in the hope that they will have saved another. They seek to become courageous as if to fulfill something in their lives they're missing, perhaps a downfall, to coverup something they're lacking or to give themselvse a feeling of usefulness. 

But this man, this man who grew up underneath a subway station after coming from overseas at the age of 7, showed more sustained courage than I've ever seen, the type that many people walk all over and dismiss, or don't even recognize in the first place. He didn't throw himself in front of a bullet for anyone, he didn't shoot anyone for any person, he didn't put himself in the pay of destruction.

But what he did was he swallowed his pride long ago, kept himself humble regardless of all his achievements that got him in to one of the top engineering grad schools, and loved with his full heart. He loved even when he was hurt, he was more patient than any one I've ever known, even when things toppled over he wanted to rebuild relationships from the bottom up. He never, ever gave up.

The thing that stood out about him the most was that no matter how bad he had it growing up and even now, no matter how much worse his past was compared to whatever person was crying on his shoulder, he never once mentioned himself unless he was asked to. 

He is the example of human strength and courage, of love and patience. 

I've come across people who believe that putting your existence up for a group of people is courage, that sacrificing your entire being for the wellbeing of a group of strangers if strenght and honorable.

What this man did was he laid out his life, not his existence, for the people he loved. He hung up all other cares and sacrificed his life, not his existence, for his loved ones. 

It's easy to look at people who are working day in and day out, never giving to homeless people, never giving to charity, not wanting to save lives and whatever, and say that they have no courage, they are not living life. But what is invisible is what is most beautiful sometimes.

His efforts to secure the happiness of his loved ones were beyond inspiring, it was real, it was tangible, and it was loving. He often told me that he thought I was intelligent, that I was patient, I was loving, I was strong. But  in all honesty, I never had the strenght he did, I never had the honesty he did, I never had the peace of mind or courage that he did. He trumped me in every area, even his faith was never tarnished. He never questioned it because he believed so strongly in it.

You'll probably never see him volunteering his hours of his free time at a fire department, or enrolling himself in a homeless shelter on the weekends, but you will see him spending his time making stronger connections with the ones he already has, you will see that his loved ones will love him back so dearly regardless of circumstances, that his relationships required more sacrifice than the sacrifice of existence.

I'm sure in many moments we will be faced with the option of being the hero, of running in to the flames and dragging a person out, and as we'll see, many people have the ability to run to the flames and become toasted while many just stand back, helpless and scared. Wherever you are in life, whether your sense of urgency has been trained or not, whether you have a "hero complex," whether you are one of the brave men/women who have become disfigured/disabled because you in time of need ran to help, or wherever you may be in life, don't forget to look around and see what youre sacrificing when you're rushing to the flames. 

Dont judge those who have never done so, because they may be the bravest of them all. Their hearts were courageously overflowing with love and patience for those around them. 

 

Whenever I needed someone to talk to, he would pick up. He never just said he would be there for me, he never had to. He was just always there. 

His courage was not one that consumed him, his was the silent courage that came out of him, not the one that became him. He never sought courage or sought to become courageous or self sacrificing, he was, by grace, already one of the most courageous people on earth. 

 

 

 

(I should mention that I like to play a type of "devil's advocate" and talk about many sides of a situation. I'd like to make clear that I'm not saying that the firemen/soldier/whatever else I put up there are not brave people. There's NO DOUBTING or DENYING that the people who have given up their lives, who have lost body parts, who have suffered mental breakdowns and lost loved ones, there's no doubting that they are indeed courageous as well and had the ability to put themselves at the frontlines of defense for us. This was written more as a memory to a specific man that I know. ) 

 

 

Just fyi i've sort of migrated my fashion/modeling stuff to other domains.

Blogspot for fashion http://victoriamisu.blogspot.com/

and tumblr/facebook  for modeling  https://www.facebook.com/victoriamisu

http://victoriachangport.tumblr.com/ 

 

so follow those if you want to follow my artsy stuff!! 

 

 

I love browsing through old record stores. You're surrounded by all these compendiums of feelings that words alone could not convey, and still cannot, emotions that music could only carry. 

3 records i had to buy: Jean Luc Ponty, Ellington's sophisticated ladies, and Jean Pierre Rampal (all under a dollar).

A friend had a record player, so I brought these amazingly unscratched, perfect condition records over and we toasted to a new chapter as the jazz oozed through his recordplayer.

School's starting, new friendships, obstacles to break through both old and new. And my obsession with candles has not diminished. I found one that I had and kept it in my car for some reason (I think it's becuase it smells good) and thought it fit the wine and jazz.

(inside of soph ladies album)

but you know the greatest thing about these records , these old songs, these romantic songs, is? 

it's that they bring back a surge of memories, open up stitches that were never finished.

I imagine us beside the waterfront, driving through the lighted and empty streets of the city, or just a simple laughter in your arms.

It's not that I even mind being apart, or that we are now absent from each other, or that you might not even care anymore- I've reconciled that the best that I can, and it's not even in my control how you feel.

it's that there was such an abrupt tear, a screeching stop after the hurricane. 

those songs, the pictures, the letters...the songs... I keep you in a box.

Maybe you'll be one of those time capsules that i'll get to unravel later, except you'll never be buried. 

 

A few days ago a person I haven't spoken to in a while due to a sexual offense incident, turned himself in by his own will without any prompting.

This incident happened a few years ago, but I never brought it up or did anything about it. I didn't really know what to do, and often times, nothing even happens. I convinced myself it'd be punishment enough after I stopped talking to him even after he begged and apologized.

Before he turned himself in, he called me many times, though I only got the voicemails he left. I listened to all of them, in a bit of horror, satisfaction, and paralysis. I didn't know how to respond, or what to say, or if I should say anything. I'm used to just sweeping everything under the rug, eventually they'll decay as long as I move on, but he himself opened this can of worms.

The first few voicemails were just "Hey...this is ____, I need to talk to you" then on to "I'm turning myself in. I'm sorry for what I did and I can't live with just self guilt anymore. It's not fair for you."

No, it's not fair at all. I've noticed that people ahve a tendency to say that their own self guilt, the pain that they've felt through their own guilt, is enough punishment and that they just need to forgive themselves. 

This behavior, this self centered mentality, is poison. It is repulsive.

I think what separates being turned in versus only your friends and yourself knowing is not just the fact that more people know, or that judgement will fall upon your head, rather it is the loss of control. YOU will no longer be able to suffocate the feeling of shame and guilt, becuase someone will be standing there reminding you 24/7 that you have done wrong. You no longer have solace, you longer have the ability to run from yourself. By admitting to it on a legal level you will have lost the ocntrol of kepeing your emotions in tact. You'll no longer be able to live your lie. 

and maybe that's the closest the criminal will ever come to feeling what her/his victim felt- the loss of control. Free will being dragged out from under his/her feet and hung outside of their cage. 

While I appreciate this boy turning himself in and while I am glad that after all these years he has not simply forgotten this and at least has a conscience that isn't so self centered/selfish, I've become more resistant to shielding perpetrators. I used to tell myself that I don't want to cause too much trouble, etc etc, most ofy ou probaly know the excuses very well. But it extends beyond me, it extends beyond you- it affects every body. 

By letting them off the hook, by not taking action, they're let loose to repeat this with others, we set examples by letting this behavior pass, and we make it ok for the perpetrator to feel as if he has paid full and well just by feeling guilt. We make it ok for them to think that self forgiveness is all it takes,and we make it ok for them to think that if they have moved on, then it is ok. I have had boys tell me that they are suffering on the inside, too, and they know how I feel, and are sorry. I've decided to take action against it, not all legal action. 

I know that people like to live by the phrase, "no regrets." But some things require regret, some actions should come along with a long lived guilt that is capable of eating away at the soul. 

It's been a weird few days, this one incident being the cherry on top of all the other events that have occurred in such a short period of time. 

My last obstacle to freedom, mental and emotional freedom, is to admit to my parents my academic path and my choice of study. I feel so much like this boy mentioned in this post, having lied to them for a year and keeping such a gigantic lie inside. 

 

****

And a note to parents, if there are even any parents who have children old enough to comprehend sexual abuse.

STOP BLAMING YOUR OWN CHILDREN. This has happened to my sister, to my firends, friends of friends. The victim is constantly being blamed. She/He is either too stupid, dressed to pretty/well, didn't get in the car fast enough ,should not have gone out with his/her friends, is worthless, etc etc. My parents of course have no idea about anything that has happened to me or else it would be very ugly for me.

In some cultures it is automatically the woman's fault, and in some cultures men aren't allowed to admit that they were raped or else it becomes a major social faux pas. 

How in the hell do you expect your children to grow or get over this after your complete lack of support, or rather, the exact opposite of support? 

Take this in to consideration in all other aspects of your child's growth and development. 

 
****

Also, if this is you, if you have committed something like this, or whatever else, I'm not telling you to turn yourself in. Just don't think that your own self forgiveness makes everything ok. And just becuase you feel guilty does NOT mean you have any idea what your victim is feeling. How could you?

and how dare you?

 

I felt as if I could touch danger at this ledge, overlooking the calm right before the torrent of water steadily roaring down the waterfall and through and licking the sharp rocks. I could touch it, if I wanted, but I was still safe as long as I sat on my ledge, as long as I had control over my body, as long as no one else would push me over it.

This is a tiny waterfall, tiny in height at least, in greatfalls park that I've spent many days and mornings by, sitting on the edge of a slab of stone, reading, talking to friends, unconsciously attracted to the proximity I had to the waterfall. I sometimes would sweep my hand through the water and let the force of the waterfall grab it down, but would pull back in time so as not to fall downstream, and crash in to one of the rocks. The rocks, they could break a fall, break the anticipation of death, by bringing death. 

Sometimes you want that control, you need to know that you can protect all your loved ones.  And I feel as if that part of me, that control needing part of me has beben tested. I always knew it would come, some crazy string of events, to show that I can't protect them myself, not even protect them from each other. At times I felt like I wanted to stab my heart, to stop it from feeling things, so I sat in my room and smiled. It's a beautiful thing, really, the fluctuation of feelings and the ability to regain composure, that gift we were given to just...stop. just stop and take in breath

I sat next to sure death, and I liked it. It was peaceful. I never really put time in to fleshing out exactly why waterfalls made me feel so peaceful, and this summer I finally did. It's because even though they are roaring, they are intimidating, and many waterfalls end in a pool of rocks, it's only perilous if you let yourself fall in to it. 

This summer a lot happened that was completely out of my control, and usually I keep everything under control, from my family's doctor appointments to siblings' homework to parents' health to a lot of other things. But this summer, everything spiraled out, and the waterfall was never more attractive and calming. I constantly felt like I was going to fall over the edge mentally, that I was no longer going to keep my heart together, that something else would push me over. but it was that thought that I was becoming weak, that II was about to just let myself break, and let go of all these years of training myself (not purposely of course) go to waste, that, allong with faith and softened heart, and great friends, kept me on the calm side of the waterfall, where the water is clear and quiet, meditative. 

I felt anger, sadness, sorrow, suffocated, drowned, and dead at times because of what happened to my family members, I sometimes didn't even know where to put those emotions. I don't think i was ever made to fully feel or enact those emotions, they flash by then I put them somewhere, I store htem up and then pray. I pray that I won't short fuse, that my brain won't just give out, that my heart won't stop beating, that I won't be pushed to insanity.

That's where the waterfall felt the best, on the brink of insanity, where i still had control, where i could still breath. 

 

(I've also found that playing my new bamboo flute is therapeutic, as I knew it would be haha  gonna try to take pictures of it later) 

 

victoriamisu.blogspot.com

I'm going to be posting most of the fashion stuff there, and modeling stuff, so if you want to keep up with it, bookmark that page! or follow (you can with your googleaccount!) 

 

Some pictures from summer, these are by my friend/photog justin cheung. we had a really, really quick shoot before we caught up since we haven't seen each other since early high school! 

 

 

 

 

 

I had a short, very short shoot with my friend Justin Cheung. Haven't seen him in a while, since I was in awana back in the day (before 10th grade I believe) so it was nice to catch up and to shoot! We shot a few outfits, mostly of things that I've had for a while but haven't gotten around to photographing.

 

Shoes: jeffrey campbell verona

dress: black milk red galaxy (not being made anymore)

Blazer: nasty gal lace back 

 

 

HAIR EVERYWHERE 

 

Went up to north this weekend

tired as all heck on the subway. we have almost no pictures together for an 8 year friendship

(more pics on CHris' site!)

thank God for such good friends

Thanks to Jeff for zooming all the way to the city from queens when uriah and i woke up way too late for the bus... 

 

also, 

@cakalusa

 

thank you for making my day funnier  

 

 

Really superbly hectic recently trying to pave the path to a steady future, so have been slacking in updates. I just took a few pictures for about 10 minutes! yayz. Putting up a quick update now because tomorrow I will be going to NY with my friend that I'll mention in a few sentences! and i'll probably pass out right after practice today z.Z

One of my best friends Uriah Kim recently came back from Korea and got me one of Korea's many wonderfully cute cosmetic products! I normally don't buy these myself, but I like receiving them haha it's a tinted moisturizer, and most people who know me know that I love a red lip (or colored).

What's better than color that moisturizes?! 

Pre lip color (I deleted by accident the picture of me holding the liptinter... so here is one that I was going to post later with normal/naked lips)

With the color(all following pictures are with the soft pinkish/reddish lip color) It's a soft pop, not like the bright red that I have...which I still like, but this is much more day to day wear, and much more suitable for the office environment  (when I sporadically feel like putting on some color when I"m bored)

 

I got this watch, bracelet, and ring actually a really long time ago( ring about 3 years ago, watch and bracelet some months ago) but never got around to taking pictures of them because I lost my camera battery after moving out of the dorms back in May but recently found them in a box with other memories Bracelet is all copper, watch is just cool. 

watch from i forget...i think UO or vintage store. Cuff/bracelet from etsy

 

 

Recently I've been driving way too much. THe commute from home to work is about 30 miles ( which isn't too bad) but with traffic and the small roads, and traffic congestion, and did I mention traffic? It sometimes amounts to 4 hours round trip which is a huge chunk of my life and basically a waste of time. It didn't bother me until my dad and friends from out of town would come over and tell me how far the drive is from that part of maryland to my house. It still doesn't bother me too much ( except when I"m late haha) because of all the people and the birds I see driving.

I often see flocks of birds taking off in a swoop toward the sky from underneath a bridge and feel a sense of exhilaration imagining myself as a bird, free, and able to fly. Perhaps it's the environment of a programmer's office that I'm in every day that makes me so unsettled, but I feel the need to leave. I'm not sure what I'm leaving, but I think it's leaving what I've pushed myself toward mostly because I needed a bridge to connect me to my parents. I haven't really been fully able to embrace my English major because I knkow the heavy repercussions, but at some point I need to stop lying to my parents because these lies are weighing me down with guilt (plus they're paying for most of what is left of my tuition so it's kinda like I'm stealing from them). 

I think the only downside of the commute is that left side of my body namely the hip will tense up and become painful and the gas that it sucks up. Other wise, it's great decompressing time from my dark, no window, quiet office.

 

ok music time

the lumineers- dead sea

from denver, colorado, the lumineersss. Heard them some time ago during a study session browsing, and fell in love with their sound. 

tango cancion. i listen to this in the car on repeat sometimes. sexy

 

sometimes i sit at my desk at work and wonder how I got where I am now. I don't deserve any of it. I'm so thankful for all the research professors who decided to hire me to write code for them and research, for the government deciding to pay for me for my work, and for the professors I've come across who have inspired me even though tye may not know it. 

But at the same time, I also wonder when I'm going to get out of the cycle of working at the same type of jobs over and over. I guess money is money and until I find out what it is my heart is truly yearning for I should just settle down for a bit. I don't know if I've ever felt the feeling of being settled save this stretch of time when I had an anchor to calm me down.

 

 Actually, during wushu practice, I was thinkking about this. I know exactly what I want but for my entire 22 years of life I've been too scared to be passionate about something. I want it to be an easy answer as to why, like the cliche I'm too scared to fail or not get it so I dont chase it, but it's more than that. It's a fear of being bound and having no way out. 

I want my family to stop emotionally, slowly killing each other, to stop ripping out their hearts and just love like a family. I want to pursue a PhD that has no job prospects, at least not to the normal person or to my parents and their friends, and much more. 

I find I do much of my thinkking during practice...probably why I can't get my left handed cartwheel right sometimes.