I keep thinking about my paths I'm taking right now and am constantly shaken. I've chosen to work at the research place while also modeling professionally now since I'm out of school. But each time someone talks to me about grad school or whatever classes they're in I feel envious, I want it all... 

A very good friend of mine is currently in aerospace engineering at a great school, and just got word that he will be a TA for an engineering class and is also receiving a stipend on top of waived tuition. I admire his faith and hard working ethics so much, and his wisdom to invest the money accruing some amount of loans in order to secure a future.  I think the fact that he is doing so well and pursued a graduate study in something he likes inspired me, made me really happy but I also felt a little useless. I know I tell people that it is never too late, but as always, it's hard to take your own words seriously in your own life, especially when we are all so naturally anxious and weak to some degree.

It's more than just envy and greed though, it's the feeling of never being good enough and knowing that after the blow that I dealt my parents by switching out of engineering in to math/english, not choosing (at least not right now) to even try for med school/law school, I have become estranged. 

My friend in the grad school was there since the beginning of my transformation, even before I decided to switch out and break out of what they had tried to mold me in to. He saw without hearing my words my struggle, maybe that's why I feel a little bit of pain because I'd want to live up to his expectations as well, or imagined expectations (since he probably doesn't really hold the same expectations as my parents... but I can imagine). 

II don't know what I'm trying to say really, but I know I need to calm down. I know ti's good to dream big, but I have never known how to be practical, and chased everything. Even now, I have a job, I'm still searching for the sake of searching even though I really like where I've been employed (not  talking about the modeling agency though I am so grateful and shocked still by that and it was great to have someone there who understood my wavering and unsure/lack of confidence in myself and encouraged me to pursue it ). This type of greed and need to fulfill some type of subconscious self deploring can and has made me end up with almost nothing that is mine. And that I'm inspired by him as a person, grateful actually that his type of person exists, his kindness and generosity and acceptance of the world. He knows the world, went through so much poverty and hardship, yet remained so compassionate and just...kind and giving. He's definitely not your every day romance/story book American hero in uniform, but he is a hero to many in another sense. 

EDIT/ADDENDUM:

I speak of how he has achieved in academic success. But I think the thingt aht actually inspires me is the combination of his humility/humbleness, purity, kindness, compassion, generosity, faith, selflessness, especially given his circumstances growing up.

He knew love and kindness, and what it looks like.

And that's like a lot of you, my friends/readers/pretty much all of you. Your smiles, your ability to overcome and skip the loss of control in which anger is made a permanent rock in your heart. 

I don't write this, actually I dont think I ever do, I just think this to myself. But you're all so inspiring and make me happy in different ways, even the ones that I haven't kept in touch with, evne the ones that you think I don't remember.

 

I'm sure in my decisions, I've finally started to do choose a path for me not my parents

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Anyway I recently shot again with a photographer Charles Martin 

   

 It's the something that's off that his emotions manifest in that are captured. 

cept for the first one, that was just normal shot. 

I find it amusing how I look like completely different ages in all the pictures...well, maybe just the first two

 Charles is pretty much wonderful at his craft. I'm so thankful that I got to work with him and designer Tu-Anh Nguyen back in 2008

Moonshine remix:

 

treasure...cuz baby squirrel youza sexy muthafu***

 

also, I"ve officially joined the smart phone ranks and can do the picture taking whatever sthat ya'll do! w00t. 

 

 

so HAI GAIZ!!! 

 

 

I always thought it was funny how even though I developed apps on iOS for research purposes I was pretty much the last in line to get a phone that was intelligent. 

or more nearing intelligent than the not so good with advanced UI phones before NOW I CAN GET PICTURES GUYZ YAY

 its' a weekend night...pretty early, like 1130 PM and I'm sitting here on my laptop watching stuff on youtube. Sometimes...I just gotta relax haha. 

I'll just go search for bubble tea after church on Sunday

Most recent shoot, Konjo Kalonji photography; Sarah Oyetubo styling; Jesse Alan hair; Christina Spencer makeup 

Konjo + Oye cousins, some of my favorites to work with

I had this silverish paint on me 

And then a faux bob with white splatter 

 

took look all icyyy

 

So post grad has been eventful, more updates later, currently coding for the time-being and continuing my other hobbies/career paths. 

I do miss school, I always knew I would after graduating, but I plan to keep going. Always room for more. 

It's not just the freedom, but the opportunity to learn that I miss. Sure going to work can teach you a lot but its' so very rare to have the opportunity to sit in a classroom lead by a scholar (whether you agree with the professor's ideas or not is a separate issue, which is also to your advantage- opportunity to challenge!).

Now it's time to find out what I actually want, and not want everything at the same time, or perhaps fear being nothing. I keep telling myself at least I have an education/degree, a job,  modeling contract, family/friends/loved ones, God, necessities, but I can't figure out what it is that I will come to do for the world, though I do have ideas of what I'm supposed to do or have been doing and I think that bites my heart every morning. Perhaps I'm too fickle, maybe I become too flimsy sometimes. 

I used to try to convince myself that the sole reason why I don't want people asking what I' mdoing is because I don't want people to pry, or because I have to maintain a rather low profile of my life outside of modeling, but slowly I vocalize to myself during prayer that it's also because I don't know yet either. Until I can make more than a living and at the same time give my parents/siblings enough money to pay off mortgages and my school loans, I don't know what I'll settle for. But at least I'm taking steps to do so.