August 14, 2012
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Waterfall
I felt as if I could touch danger at this ledge, overlooking the calm right before the torrent of water steadily roaring down the waterfall and through and licking the sharp rocks. I could touch it, if I wanted, but I was still safe as long as I sat on my ledge, as long as I had control over my body, as long as no one else would push me over it.
This is a tiny waterfall, tiny in height at least, in greatfalls park that I've spent many days and mornings by, sitting on the edge of a slab of stone, reading, talking to friends, unconsciously attracted to the proximity I had to the waterfall. I sometimes would sweep my hand through the water and let the force of the waterfall grab it down, but would pull back in time so as not to fall downstream, and crash in to one of the rocks. The rocks, they could break a fall, break the anticipation of death, by bringing death.
Sometimes you want that control, you need to know that you can protect all your loved ones. And I feel as if that part of me, that control needing part of me has beben tested. I always knew it would come, some crazy string of events, to show that I can't protect them myself, not even protect them from each other. At times I felt like I wanted to stab my heart, to stop it from feeling things, so I sat in my room and smiled. It's a beautiful thing, really, the fluctuation of feelings and the ability to regain composure, that gift we were given to just...stop. just stop and take in breath
I sat next to sure death, and I liked it. It was peaceful. I never really put time in to fleshing out exactly why waterfalls made me feel so peaceful, and this summer I finally did. It's because even though they are roaring, they are intimidating, and many waterfalls end in a pool of rocks, it's only perilous if you let yourself fall in to it.
This summer a lot happened that was completely out of my control, and usually I keep everything under control, from my family's doctor appointments to siblings' homework to parents' health to a lot of other things. But this summer, everything spiraled out, and the waterfall was never more attractive and calming. I constantly felt like I was going to fall over the edge mentally, that I was no longer going to keep my heart together, that something else would push me over. but it was that thought that I was becoming weak, that II was about to just let myself break, and let go of all these years of training myself (not purposely of course) go to waste, that, allong with faith and softened heart, and great friends, kept me on the calm side of the waterfall, where the water is clear and quiet, meditative.
I felt anger, sadness, sorrow, suffocated, drowned, and dead at times because of what happened to my family members, I sometimes didn't even know where to put those emotions. I don't think i was ever made to fully feel or enact those emotions, they flash by then I put them somewhere, I store htem up and then pray. I pray that I won't short fuse, that my brain won't just give out, that my heart won't stop beating, that I won't be pushed to insanity.
That's where the waterfall felt the best, on the brink of insanity, where i still had control, where i could still breath.
(I've also found that playing my new bamboo flute is therapeutic, as I knew it would be haha
gonna try to take pictures of it later) I'm going to be posting most of the fashion stuff there, and modeling stuff, so if you want to keep up with it, bookmark that page! or follow (you can with your googleaccount!)
Some pictures from summer, these are by my friend/photog justin cheung. we had a really, really quick shoot before we caught up since we haven't seen each other since early high school!
Comments (13)
Victoria I didn't know you were going through a rough time. You can always talk to me if you want
and you do need to reply to a text message from me 
I'm dyingggggggggggg to know. so curiousssssss cause I'm nosy haha
ohh i just logged on to my fake facebook. nvm lol 0.0
a lot of these sentiments remind me of a book I'm reading. hold tight to your faith Vic, remember what I said last night, if you ever need an ear...
ravishing.
You're gorgeous
Random...but...I could see you in movies. You look like you could be an action star to me for some reason lol I'm glad you found some peace of mind. I don't think I've ever been pushed to that point, but I know Id end up praying like you
This girl > gonna jump out of an airplane.
*SHOVE*
Wish you were up here so you could jump out of a plane with us >_<
I'm surprised nobody has said this yet, but...don't go chasing waterfalls.
V,
You are one of my favorites here on xanga. So I will pass this along. Recently I had the "pleasure" of accompanying my Ex to her "counselor". You see, we split up almost two years ago, and according to said therapist, we had been living separate lives for a couple of years before that.
But I digress. A few things struck me about this session. 1) Her therapist was good, very good. 2) My Ex and her therapist pretty much convinced me that my marriage failing was almost exclusively my fault. 3) But wait, here's where it got interesting- the therapist said that it was inevitable. That my walking out was a very important epiphany. She stressed how important it was. That I had no other choice but to leave to take care of myself, my needs. And this is the moral of this circumlocution- don't forget to take care of yourself. We are taught, whether via culture or other methods, that we must serve others. Any number of reasons why. But we must take care of ourselves as well. If not, well, you end up doing as I have, ruining other's lives in the process.
Take care,
C
It is very interesting that on the inside, despite what you look like on the outside, who would have thought you had that inner turmoil.
at the last one u look like a mobster
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